O ne day, soon after I left school, my mother told me that she wanted me to have a baby one day and she didn’t care how I did it, even if I did it alone, as long as I did it. I was a bit taken aback. Of course I’d have a baby one day. I’d always known I would.
I imagined I’d do it the way school girls imagine they’ll do
it: I’d fall in love with a man, he’d fall in love with me, and the
family would naturally follow.
It took me another decade to come out.
I got cancer and faced my own mortality. My mum almost died too.
Things came sharply into focus and I realized as we both went into
remission, this was no way to live the rest of my precious life.
Very soon after, I made a weekend trip to come out to my
parents.
A huge weight lifted. It seems crazy that it took so much for me
to be comfortable being who I am, but for some reason it did.
The thing I felt saddest about letting go of was the idea of
creating a baby, biologically, with a person I was in love with and
for us to be a family. I found it overwhelmingly sad that my baby
would biologically be half me and half some guy, and that if I had
a partner, she would be the other mother but not biologically
related.
I decided the ideal situation for me would be to find a gay man
to be my donor. I would find a man who wanted to have a child and
otherwise couldnât. He would not be a father exactly. They could
have the fun bits without responsibilities. This could work.
But none seemed to fit. In the end the best option was a sperm
bank. After thinking about it for 8 years, it was an easy decision
to make. I had years to adjust to the fact I could not biologically
make a baby with someone I love. Most single mothers by choice have
much less time to come to terms with that sadness. I’ve often
thought I’m fortunate for that.
The clinic gave me a list. Checking out their profiles was a lot
like internet dating, but of course they didn’t have to choose me
back. I narrowed the list down to ten and sent them all to my family.
I wanted some input. My mother obliged. It would be my decision,
but I was happy not to make it all on my own.
They’re such complicated feelings but at the same time it’s just
practical. You can’t do it alone. This is what it takes.
My sister called just after my insemination with amazing news.
She was pregnant! It made the timing feel perfect when I found out
I was too. If all went well these new little cousins would be so close in
age! What a change in fortune for my family.
This is an independent production made by me, Sophie Harper.
Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for allowing me
to record, and for the practical and moral support.
"I imagined I’d do it the way school girls imagine they’ll do it: I’d fall in love with a man, he’d fall in love with me, and the family would naturally follow. It took me another decade to come out."
Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:
Murmur by Broke For Free; One And by Broke For Free; Our Ego (Feat. Different Visitor) by Broke For Free; Pattern 4 (Version 10) by Cyan341; Seeing The Future by Dexter Britain.
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