PODCAST EPISODES

The two minute teaser for this series about become a single mother by choice, not by accident.

One morning in May 2012, I sleepily peed on an ovulations test stick, and was catapulted into action when the result showed as positive!
Today was the day!

The courage to do this didn't come from nowhere. I want to take you back to start unravelling some of the events that led to this point.

Why did it even occur to my mother to plant the idea of an unconventional family in my head?

After I came out, I ventured out into the Sydney lesbian scene. I felt like a 30 year old teenager. It was exciting, terrifying, and it was just the beginning.

I pack my wheelie suitcase and load my kindle with essential holiday reading: What to Expect When You're Expecting; Choosing Single Motherhood; and of course: My Miserable Lonely Lesbian Pregnancy.

On Friday it's the first scan. Now I don't have to imagine, I can see you! It's time to share my news. I spend the weekend on the phone. 9 hours, 17 calls.

I am working as hard as ever, determined to prove that I can pull my weight. I’m overcompensating for being pregnant.

It’s so hard to say goodbye. I don’t know if I’m coming back and so much of my heart is here. But I cannot wait to go home.

During this strange time, three of us are in hospital within weeks of each other.

I’m 6 days overdue. I can’t imagine it’s possible to be any bigger!

I'm afraid to fall asleep like this, terrified that I'll suffocate you, but I do drift off, and when I wake you're still safe.

It was father's day here in Australia this month.

This is the financially irresponsible option. For me, the bravest and riskiest option.

We’re staying at Granny’s this week. She fell and fractured her kneecap.

I can’t believe I’m taking you away from all of this before your first birthday.

A sense of loss, a sense of anticipation and anxiety, a reminder of and reliance on great friendships, and a wonderful holiday.

Acts of kindness and generosity have come without judgement, even though I’m judging myself, feeling I should be able to do it all.

I still don’t know if I can do this. I start work tomorrow, after a whole year off, with sleep deprivation still effecting my memory and my ability to cope, with my emotions always close to the surface.

The shock of being back at work is becoming routine. Even the pre-sunrise race to childcare. I feel sorry for myself, and can't quite believe I made life choices that led us to this...

It’s a year since I started making this podcast. 20 episodes. I haven’t wanted to let anyone down so I haven’t allowed myself to take a real break, and making this podcast, all alone, is hard. It’s hard work, and it’s emotionally hard.

In season two, we’ll make our way through four years, from one to five, across continents, cultures, careers, seasons, struggles, successes.

He proposed, and she said yes. I’m happy for them, of course, really happy. Nick has found the person he wants to share the rest of his life with!

We’re living through the worst sleepless nights of the ear infection. I can barely get it together to brush my teeth, let alone to take real responsibility. I want to dig deep...

The year is away like a fast-moving train.

I get the feared call from pre-school on the last day of term. You’ve hit your head, badly.

It’s Spring, 2015. Half your life ago. My six years teaching at the European Film College begin the limp to an anti-climactic end.

It’s September 2017. I’ve been feeling recently that it’s important for you understand more of who I am.

We’ve just moved back to Australia from Denmark and it’s strange. I’ve hardly told anyone we’re coming. Only the family.

We’re trying to make a home, but I have things to sort out. The detritus of my life is in storage units and suburban garages.

A special episode of Not By Accident for kids!

I pick a date. I announce the series. Now I can’t back out. This is happening.

It's May 2016. The podcast is taking off. Astrid's new cousin is due next month!